Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
