I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
