Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
