I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
