God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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