I wish I could teleport
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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