It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
