glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
