I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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