Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
