I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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