The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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