Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
