FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
