the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
