That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
