Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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