I'm gonna have a badass scar
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
