sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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