She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
