What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
