saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
