so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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