btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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