Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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