you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want a musical about memes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
