it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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