you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
