I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
