You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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