She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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