Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
