I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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