Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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