I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
