But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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