Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Terrible idea I love it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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