ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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