he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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