does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
