I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize