Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
