Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
BRING THE BAGELS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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