Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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