I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
