I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
