We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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