you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
