You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
