woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
