Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
After tacos, we're chasing women.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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