why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize