I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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