a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
