dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
