we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
