I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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