quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize