We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
