mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
