apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just cropdusted the office
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize