He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
