don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
