i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
