Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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