dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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